1 November 2022
Today I woke up around 4am and felt exhausted. I am struggling with the medication side effects and with swallowing on my right side. Generally, I am not a nervous person and I feel anxious being left alone.
Unfortunately, my wider family is unable to look after me because my mum is elderly otherwise I know she would take good care of me. Rob has decided to take a day off work and look after me. I really appreciate everything Rob has done for me so far, not sure what I would have done without him.
Having an issue with swallowing makes us both nervous. We managed to both calm down and distract ourselves with just being with one another and working out how we manage this situation on a daily basis.
Rob made breakfast but I struggled to swallow my normal breakfast of muesli, instead I had a natural yoghurt. Seems like some foods are not very good for my healing process and I will need to make some changes. A soft food diet has been recommended by the doctors and this makes sense because I need food that is tender and moist to help me swallow.
Today my anxiety is not shifting and I feeling emotional, helpless and had a good cry. I was feeling sorry for myself because I am rarely unwell and I had a wave of emotions, feeling how has this happened to me. I cannot move much because of the pain which is not helping matters. Being in hospital you had a wide team looking after you and reassuring you. The first few days at home after major surgery can be distressing and I would recommend someone look after you so that you are not alone.
To help me switch my thoughts I tell myself I will get stronger and I will get through this. I believe I will get stronger. Writing the journal helps gather my thoughts. I need to show myself some self love And get used tot he fact that right now I cannot do too much which is harder than I thought.
The good news is my network of my closest friends and my work closest work colleagues are being very kind and really supportive. I do need to decide if I should tell my mum who is now in her 80’s and has already lost one child by cancer. My diagnosis is very different to my sister which was terminal. My doctors keep telling me they are going for cure which I need to hope and trust the doctors. For now my mum thinks I have a sore throat until I find the right time to let my mum know because she has dementia but does understand lots of things still. For now I will keep telling myself, I am strong and I can get through this.
Song: Fade into you by Mazzy Star because I feel numb. Today is difficult and sometimes you need to step back and acknowledge how tough the cancer journey can be. I have never experienced trouble with swallowing before and I have taken for granted this in the past and how lucky most of us are that we can swallow. The songs allows me to sit and reflect with how I am feeling.
Comments